Did I Hurt My Son?

A red-faced father is dragging his crying four-year-old son from a Sydney park. He grips the boy by the upper arm tightly while holding the child’s bicycle and helmet in the other. After a 20-minute tantrum this dad has reached breaking point and decides that the bike-riding lesson is now over. 

Crossing the street they are confronted by a middle-aged woman. “You’re hurting that child,” she says. “You must stop doing that.” The man tells the woman to mind her own business. Expletives are used. “I’m going to report you to the police,” she warns him. “I know your face.”

That man, of course, was me. And while I dismissed the incident at the time as simply annoying, such a strong reprimand from a complete stranger has troubled me over the past few days. 

Had I indeed been too rough with my son? Had I given into my own frustration and taken it out on Myles? Was I, in short, a negligent father -- or worse an abusive one?

Using physical force against children, especially in public, has been a sensitive issue since the publication of the bestselling novel The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas in 2008. 

The book pivots around a fictitious incident in which a man slaps a three-year-old child, not his own, at a Melbourne barbecue. The story spawned television spin-offs in both Australia and the United States and sparked passionate debate in the United Kingdom. It also polarized opinion here in Australia.

Some critics argued that Harry, the villain of the story, is a victim of forces beyond his control and that while his actions were reprehensible they pointed to a wider malaise in society.

What I did to my son in Centennial Park hardly constitutes corporal punishment. I was merely restraining him so that we could get back to the car. 

But in the eyes of a concerned onlooker I can understand that seeing an adult literally drag a small, crying preschooler might appear cruel.

My main problem was simply that I did not have enough arms to hold my son (who was struggling) and to carry his bike at the same time. Had the lady in question volunteered to carry the bicycle rather than threaten legal action the situation could have been resolved. 

Little did she know that two minutes later, Myles and I sat down and had a quiet chat and a hug. The tantrum was over – which illustrates the problem of judging someone’s parenting from afar.

The question remains: should parents be allowed to discipline their kids inside and outside the home? The busybody in the park clearly believes that dialogue or perhaps some time out is the only mechanism that parents should use to alter their child’s bad behavior. 

What if that fails? Even the loveliest of children can misbehave. A gentle slap might do the trick. And despite the soul searching that followed The Slap, I suspect that many parents still raise a hand to their children – if only as a threat – when they are severely provoked.

Australian parents find themselves in a tricky situation when it comes to the use of corporal punishment. It is still legal for parents and guardians to physically punish children under their care, but the exact rules vary from state to state. 

In New South Wales, for example, I am entitled to use “reasonable” force to discipline my child, but not strike them on the head of neck. But many experts would like an explicit ban on the use of physical punishment against children.

“All corporal punishment, no matter how mild or infrequently administered, irrespective of whether it is administered by parents or teachers, regardless of whether it is religiously or culturally motivated, what part of the child's body is targeted or whether it is administered with an implement or the flat of the hand, is morally wrong and ought to be legally prohibited,” says Patrick Lenta, Associate Professor in the Law Faculty at UTS.

Many other countries, including Sweden and New Zealand, have already outlawed the use of corporal punishment; although parents and guardians are still permitted to use some force in limited circumstances. As a signatory to the United Convention on the Rights of the Child the Australian federal government might be expected to follow suit.

While I do not condone the excessive or even routine use of violence against small children the idea of prosecuting people for hitting their children seem ludicrous to me. And what happens if a court decides that I had used excessive force to remove my son from Centennial Park? Would I end up with a criminal conviction and even a jail sentence?

Professor Lenta argues that the purpose of such legislation is to change behaviour rather than to prosecute aggressive parents, arguing that children who are subject to even mild physical punishment can suffer serious and long-lasting psychological harm.

“One possibility is to require corporal punishers to attend, as punishment, specialised programs focused on family violence, with a view to bringing home to them the nature and effects of corporal punishment,” he says.

Poor parenting is not like poor driving. Correct parenting methods cannot be taught in a workshop but are fairly instinctive. 

Criminalizing corporal punishment will only make things worse. Only those within a family unit can decide where to draw the line. Getting the police, judges and the courts involved is I believe like using a sledgehammer to crack a walnut.